Journal
January 18, 2012
That feeling when you look in the mirror at yourself and only see your flaws, you make that all go away. All my self doubts, all my worries… Gone. You’re one of the two, maybe more, people in my life that see me for who I am and embrace it everyday. Simply saying “thank you” is an understatement of my eternal gratitude.
January 19, 2012
And just like that, you are taken from me once more. It feels like weeks since I’ve last seen you. I’ve officially added this to the long list of things that make me sad. My self image being close to the top of the list, along with my lack of talent, fear of abandonment, and realizing I have no accomplishments to be proud of. I hate this feeling. I can’t hate you for bringing this feeling upon me though. You are one of the few I have left, as the few drastically depletes to a mere handful…
January 21, 2012
Phone is broken, boy friend is suicidal, then the notebook comes on tv. Wow. Perfect weekend. This is just my cup of tea… hell. My least favorite flavor. I hate this. Every second of it. My whole world and everything I love in it is quickly crumbling before my eyes and I can’t do a fucking thing about it.
January 22, 2012
Annnnnnnnnd I’m alone and single once more. Just how I like it. Free, boundary-less, feeling neglecting. I wish I could have you, too though. And have the best of both. Maybe we’ll work something out, maybe not, but regardless, you will always be my best friend.
January 30, 2012
All of my second semester classes FUCKING SUCK BALLS. I have NOOO idea how I’m going to make it through this semester…..
January 31, 2012
“You will get to like your classes,” says my mom. BULLSHIT. I still hate them. I have sooo much fucking homework this semester and no time what so ever.
February 9, 2012
I will never be able to spell February correctly… Thank you, spell check….. Lately I’ve been debating whether or not to attempt dread locks. I’ve been put in a very conflicting position with this decision. Most of my friends are telling me I should do it and that it’ll look good but my boyfriend thinks dreads look bad on girls and are a turn off. Also if I wanted to get rid of the dreads, I would have to cut my hair back… a lot.
February 15, 2012
My second semester courses are getting a lot better. My mom convinced me to not drop personal finance. I’m a little thankful for it now. Today we had to choose a career pathway. My top 3 choices were Musician/ Songwriter, Music technician (sound person basically), and a music journalist. After a whole hour and a half of filling out matrix charts, finally musician/ songwriter came out on top. Good. I’m quite satisfied but now I’m going to have to stop planning out my courses a little better. Wish me luck!
February 17, 2012
I don’t know what’s happening to us anymore. My relationships with so many people are falling apart, while few are building up.I always thought that you would be there for me. I don’t like thinking twice. I was never one for second guessing. I always liked the appeal that came with living a life where you don’t turn back and just keep going. I like that. I know you say you don’t want to change me, but some changes are for the best.
February 18, 2012
I never realized you were the person you’ve revealed to me recently. I’ve told you everything. You’ve told me everything. We are honest. You are honest. With yourself and with me. I appreciate that. I don’t have many friends who tell it like it is. You make me feel loved, appreciated. The polar opposite of the pallet of emotions I’ve had recently.
February 19, 2012
Your humor keeps me on my feet. You’re one of my best friends and I enjoy talking to you for endless hours, knowing I can trust you with things that I can’t tell anyone else. I feel like you trust me, too. It shows when you open up to my even the slightest bit. Hearing about your past honestly makes me sad. Especially because I know I’m at fault for some parts. Recent events sadden me most though. I’m sorry that your latest love interest is blind to such a wonderful person as yourself. Your motivation to move on, however, truly inspires me. I hope some day, that I may be as strong as you.
February 20, 2012
For the past few months, my life has been like one big fucked up game of Wife-Swap. Literally.
My room is the only place I feel content in anymore. Don’t ask me why, it just is. I like the way my white Christmas lights drape over my one window and the way my bed is never made and the way my favorite blanket looks so uninviting but keeps me warm on the coldest of nights. I like the way the lock on my door is broken. I like the way my old radio from the 70’s still has an antenna and gets better reception then all this high tech shit we have today. I like the way the needle on my record player is bent. I like the smell of the old, handed down stack of 50+ records I have laying around. I like the way my amp doubles as a makeup table and how I’ve perched a mirror above it using just a guitar capo. I like the way I can just sit in here, listening to music, doing nothing but listen to it, feeling it. I like the way my dream catchers look as I lie on the ground in the middle of the night and gaze upward, out my window, directly at the moon. I like the way that everything is familiar and comforting here. Why can’t the rest of my life be like that? Safe. Sound. My own perfect little world.
February 23, 2012
Today during gym class, a girl was talking to her friend about her boyfriend. The friend said to the girl with the boyfriend “Love is the most overrated thing. It doesn’t last forever.” She ended with a smerk and walked away. Is this really the attitude of so many of our age today? Love isn’t overrated, you just haven’t fallen in love with the right person (to the girl with a bad take on love -a.k.a. your douchebag ex-boyfriend). So stop souring the thought of love for the rest of us because love does exist and you’ll only think it’s overrated until you’ve experienced it.
February 24, 2012
Tonight was not fun. I just didn’t feel like being around people. I ditched my closest friends to walk around with a friend that I barely know anything about. I feel like everyone has treated me like shit recently. Yeah, it does hurt. That just proves to me one thing, I’m not missed. By anyone.
February 25, 2012
Oh hi, it’s me again. Just here to remind you that I still exist. But that doesn’t matter to anyone so I’ll just be alone forever. In case you couldn’t tell by that, today wasn’t any better.
February 26, 2012 (My mommy’s birthday <333 )
I finally realized what my issue is. I stress out. I get stressed about stupid stuff. All because of one stupid fucking problem. And when I come to my senses and realize I’m acting sooo stupidly and decide to forget about whatever is going on and just relax, you bring it up again. Gee, thanks.
February 27, 2012
Nobody gets it do they? No matter how many times I say it, they will never get it. I’m not mad. At anyone. I just need space. I don’t hate you, I’m not avoiding you. I just want space. I like to be alone. Sorry that it’s not acceptable in everyone’s mind. My apologies, world.
February 28, 2012
I’m glad things are getting a little bit better. I feel like shit, but getting better. This week is going sooo slowlyyyy, I would give anything for it to be summer right now. I miss wearing shorts and cropped band tee shirts. I miss walking around Doylestown at night without needing a jacket and going to get water ice with my friends, and playing guitar outside and driving in the car with the windows down and the sun roof opened. Summer needs to come faster. Also I’m looking into a new guitar. I’m thinking Fender Jazzmaster.
February 29, 2012
Happy mother fucking Leap Year. This day was shittttt. It’s sooo crappy and dark and gloomy out. But, on a higher note, everything is so much better. I feel like everything is finally back to normal. The earth has restored it’s balance. I’m sooo happy (:
March 1, 2012
Well today started as shit, turned shittier, slowly slid into shittiest, and then got okay all of the sudden. Thank god for ice cream. I’m so excited for tomorrow night, just you and me and no one else. Just us. I love you so much (:
March 2, 2012
Today was so fun! (: I don’t normally hang out with you and your friends, but are really funny and really cool. I’m glad that I went with you. And to the others who apparently disapprove of my decision, I apologize.
March 3, 2012
So this is how it feels. I feel like trash. Everything is turned around on me. Everything is back to square one now. Square one meaning TOTAL SHIT.
March 4, 2012
I hate my life. Everything is shit. Didn’t eat today, probably won’t eat tomorrow. I have no motivation to do anything. I had to listen to the radio every second today to keep myself from doing something stupid that I’d regret.(even though I regret 99.9% of my actions…) Music is the only thing that keeps me sane. It’s the only thing left that I have. It feels as though that’s slowly fading, too. Just like everything else. Everything, gone. I know it’s not all my fault that my life is falling apart. But I know that the majority of it falls on me, my decisions, my social awkwardness lately. I’d decided to be done with people. If they really missed me, they’d talk to me. But they won’t, so I have to get over the fact that I’ve lost almost everyone important to me. My depressions at an all time low. “Everything is better” I told myself last week… I have never been so wrong. I’m not happy. Nothing makes me happy. Nothing ever will if I stay like this. Depression will be the death of me. People always think “oh you don’t have any problems. You’re a perfectly fine, nice girl.” Yeaaaah until you get to know me. I’m fragile, weak, scared, terrified actually, self-destructive, uninspired, unwanted…. Nobody understands. No one probably ever will.
I feel like I need something that I can call my own. Something that NO ONE can ever ever take away from me cause lately, I feel like everyone is taking everything.
March 5, 2012
Yay! I’m so happy that everything is okay again. I feel really stupid about.. well everything. I’m sooo sorry. I’m so glad I didn’t lose you!! On a quite negative note, I can’t eat. People think I’m doing it to lose weight, but I’m not. I just can’t eat. My stomach killssss. I had to take anti-nausea pills just to get some food in my stomach today :/ I don’t know what to do….
March 7, 2012
It hurts to eat… this is really starting to piss me off…. I want to eat, but yet, I really don’t. I hate my stomach. I hate my thighs. I just want to make it all go away and just be pretty. Summer is coming. I’m scared. All my summer clothes are crop tops and short shorts…. I feel like I’ve put on so much weight. I feel a major diet/ workout period coming on.
March 13, 2012
LOVING THIS WEATHER. It finally feels like summer. I can’t wait. I’m sick of wasting my summers sitting on my ass and doing nothing. I’m gonna do something. Something big. I’m trying to finally record some of my songs (even though a handful still need finishing touches) and actually get out there and play them. I feel that if I put off writing, recording, and playing my music any longer that I will never be able to accomplish becoming an actual musician. I don’t care if the wages are low or close to nothing. I love what I do and I want to do it for the rest of my life. Music makes me happy and I want to share the joys that it brings me with other people.
March 14, 2012
The days seem to pass so slowly anymore. School and the people there get more and more on my nerves everyday. I just want summer. To be away from school and all those really annoying people would be amazing right now. This week is lasts longer and longer. I finally had a ton of fun stuff to do this weekend and then I got grounded. Sucks. Really sucks actaully.
March 15, 2012
Dieting sucks. Working out sucks. I’ve worked out so much today that I feel like my body is going to die. I feel like I want to die. I just want to look good. Be skinny, be pretty. Not eating sucks, but eating sucks more. I feel so accomplished after eating few things a day that are healthy. I feel like I’m gaining more than I’m losing though. I worked my ass off today. My reward? a nice glass of water. I’m not one of those people who starves themselves, but I like to eat small portions and eat healthy. I ask my mom what’s for dinner. Sweet and Sour chicken and eggrolls. Egg rolls- deep fried, fatty, deliciousness. “How much is a serving?” I ask. “3 rolls” my sister replies. But they taste so good. I had 6. I feel so gross and disgusting. All my hard work today, gone. I’m never gonna get into shape.
March 17, 2012
I’m so bored with life. Nothing new happens anymore. Everything is just routine. I hate my school. I hate my town. I’n pretty sure most things hate me anyway. I want to go some place….. Some place that’s….different…I’m tired of being home. I’m tired of being here. I want to go someplace new. I want people who will run away with me, try things with me, always always always be there with me and for me and promise to never leave me. Because I’m terrified of that. Leaving. What are we waiting for? We’re young. We have nothing to lose. Let’s go. I’m sick of waiting. For new things to happen. For new people for things to happen with.
March 18, 2012
All these workouts are kicking my ass. Good. I need a change. Change is good. More changes need to come soon. I’m bored here. I’m feeling summer. Feeling California. I’ve never been there, but I feel like part of me belongs there, always has. I want people to look at me differently than how I was in the past. Maybe that’s why I want someplace new. I want to look at myself differently, look at the people around me differntly. I want you to look at me differently. Nothing is the same anymore. I miss only times. Constantly caught in times of nostalgia is not someplace I wish to be right now. Why do I always complicate simple things? Such a fuck up…
March 19, 2012
Life is a bunch of bullshit. Nothing ever gets better. You may think it’s getting better, but you’re really just fucking blind because it’s all getting worse. All getting out of hand. Life was so much easier before. What happened? There was so much simplicity to it, now it’s just some twisted net of betrayal. It’s one big nightmare. I think that’s why I recently got attached to dream catchers. I guess I figured that my whole life was a big fucking nightmare, so why ruin my dreams too? I just need to get away from this all, or I swear I’ll go insane. Thank god I found some one to run away to Cali with. It’s only a short amount of time until I mean my breaking point and leave. Forever.
March 20, 2012
I just hate teachers. There have been very few that I have ever liked. Ever. And I especially don’t like you. You are a mean, mean person who needs to prioritize. You need to stop wasting your breath on me because I didn’t do anything to you.
March 21, 2012
I’m so sick of it here. I feel like no one cares. No one tries to make time to care. Does anyone really give a fuck? Probably not. There comes a time in your life when you have to realize you’re all alone. You aren’t going to have the people you love by your side forever. They won’t love you forever. You’re just alone. I’m finally coming to the realization.
March 24, 2012
People are so hard to figure out. Read some one incorrectly and it could fuck up your world. I must read everyone around me wrong because I’m so fucked up. I’ve reached my breaking point. I just can’t stand people anymore. I can’t carry on a conversation without almost crying, no matter what the topic. My mind is so twisted. I want to be alone, but yet I don’t. I want people to care, but when they do, I don’t like it. It would be quite a help if people were just straight forward. A little honesty would mean the world to me. Just once. Either people need to change or I’m gone because I’m done changing. I’m miserable and you seem fine. Everyone seems fine. I’m done making hasty decisions. I’ll give it time. But I swear, if nothing changes, I’m gone. I’m done with PA.
March 26, 2012
These last few weeks have been hell. I could have been gone by now if you hadn’t told me to stay. I know that I would have had no place to go, but at least I would have been free of all the bullshit. I would feel so bad about leaving though. All the fighting my mom has done for me would all go to waste. I couldn’t bare to leave her either, but it must be done.
March 28, 2012
There is so much on my mind right now, so prepare for a long post….There is always that one person in your life that can keep you from doing anything stupid and rash. With that said, I have no idea where I would be without Mike. He literally stops me from doing anything stupid that I would regret forever. Without him I would have been in California by Monday morning. I was packed. I was serious. He told me not to go. I stayed. I hate it here, but I stayed. Without him, I probably would’ve killed several people due to my low bullshit tolerance. He literally keeps me civil. I don’t think I’ve ever been able to say that about anyone.
Lately, I just want music. I want to play it, write it, listen to it, understand it. You have literally ruined that for me and I hate you for it.
I’m done surrounding myself with people who use me. I’m done with people who don’t want me but say they do. I’m tired of people saying that you’ll “come to your senses” and that I “just need to wait”. I’m done waiting. I’m done be walked all over and being used as a last choice. I think it’s funny how you expect me to wait around for you and how people keep telling me to wait for you. I’m done waiting. I’ve waited for a change, nothings come. I won’t be waiting for you, so don’t expect me to.
One thing I cannot stand is when people take the truth and twist it to get pity from others. No One likes a liar, no one everr will.
March 29, 2012
I’ll never forget those words you said.
March 30, 2012
It’s time to let go of the past. For good this time. I’m starting over, starting fresh. This weekend should be fun. Hopefully it’s a good end to the month of March. I’m welcoming April in with open arms. I’m ready for a change.
April 1, 2012
I’m at a point in my life where all I am is confused. All of the time. My emotions are inconsistent, so are all the other people around me and I can’t stand it. I keep trying to something that will keep me happy but nothing works. All because if I have nothing on my mind to think about for a split second, I just think of the past, think of those sad things, and BOOM, instantaneous , infinite sadness. So many things are going on right now. I just found out a friend of mine had been hospitalized for depression, funeral on Saturday to deal with, and soo many important decisions. The simplest question is, do I stay or go? It’s so much harder than I thought it would be to answer. I feel like my brain is going to explode.
April 2, 2012
Today was the biggest roller coaster I’ve ever been on. My worst fear had come true, and the truth had just been revealed to me. It drove me to tears. The truth hurts, but honestly is a treasured virtue. My heart was broken into a million tiny pieces instantly. I never knew that you could be so in love with some one one second and feel nothing the next. I never though it would be possible for me, love. Falling in love. Falling out of love even easier. It just shows the power of the truth. It also shows that hearing someone’s voice can fix everything. I probably won’t forget about what happened, but I’ll try to at least pretend that I did.
April 5, 2012
I’ve let go of the past. Everything. Moving on, being free, being happy. New goal: Happiness. Things that would make me happy right now: 1. A clear face. Stupid face soap switch. Breakin my face out and shit. 2.New clothes. I’m just so disappointed with my wardrobe right know. No idea why. 3. Playing more music. I feel like I just don’t have the time to enjoy my passion. 4. Reading. I don’t read much, but when I do, you’ll know it’s a good book. 5. Free time to perfect my room. My paradise. It really is the place where I confide most in. Ever since my white Christmas lights broke, it hasn’t been the same. The vibes just aren’t right without them…. Happiness is a hot cup of tea. I cuddle session with your dog. A walk on the beach. A yoga class (which I’m starting :D) Happiness is when I’m with you.
April 6, 2012
Honestly, today was the most fun I’ve had in ages.
April 7, 2012
Someone noticed me today. A complete stranger. He saw me playing a song on bass and told me I was really really good. It totally made my day. I wish more people would notice. I wish more would want me. You don’t know how good you have it, being wanted. These opportunities just fall into your lap almost daily. For me, I’m lucky to get anything at all. My band finally has a new drummer after months of searching. Thank god. I’m sick of sitting here and watching everyone have a band and write music and be good while mine has been on hold for months. I breaks my heart a little honestly. I got new christmas lights. Had to climb up into my attic for the damn things. My room is back to normal again with good vibes everywhere. I’ve missed the ambiance of the lights. I’m glad they are back up. It just didn’t feel the same without them. Slowly trying to build up happiness again. There are some random moments where I just sulk in my own thoughts still, but whatever I guess. Sigh.
April 8, 2012
I just don’t know what to do about anyone anymore. Lies blind people. Why does everyone have to get in the way of a good thing. For once in my life, I’m really happy. . No one fucking respects happiness. Why is it that when everyone else is unhappy there is hell to pay for anyone who doesn’t live to make them happy from that point forward. When I’m unhappy, it’s beginning to seem like people just like to dig a deeper ditch for me. That’s bullshit. Lies are bullshit. People are bullshit. I’m fucking happy for once. Can everyone just stop trying to ruin it?
April 9, 2012
I feel like shit and I look like shit. Wow, Monday, wait to start the week off. I just everyone would play nice and get along. It would make everyone happy. There’s no need to be sad anymore. It’ll be better for you and the people around you, I promise. Just chill out and forget about all this shit and be happy. If you continue to dwell in the past, you will only bring more sadness to yourself.
April 11, 2012
I’m really really happy right now. I’m happy with everything. Friends, family, myself. For once I just feel good. I hope everyone else can feel this good. I always wanted to leave because I was unhappy. I still want to leave, but in more of a vacation sense. I want to travel the world. I want to explore. I want to enjoy life. I got my shit straightened out and now I’m happy. Simple as that. I couldn’t wish for better plans this weekend. It’s going to be a good time for sure. A good, happy time. I just can’t think of a single going on that would make me sad right now. I total accept everything for what it is. I moved on, it was hard not gonna lie, I let go of the past. And now, I’m happy.
April 13, 2012
I couldn’t wish for anything better. I couldn’t wish for a better way to spend tonight. Seeing my friends’ band and just chilling with them afterwards. I love them all dearly, I really do. My band is starting to get together; I’m so happy about it. I don’t think I could ever hate my dreads. I seriously love them. I don’t care what others think anymore, I love them. I couldn’t wish for a better boyfriend and best friend. My boyfriend wrote me a song and my best friend made me a CD again of alll of my favorite songs and draw a beautiful cover. I opened it up and the first song was the song my boyfriend wrote for me. I don’t know how they did it, but I love them both dearly and I’m happy that the 3 of us are all friends. I’ve just been really happy lately. I don’t miss the sadness, I don’t miss the drama. I love life. Tip: embrace the things around you. If you don’t like something change it. If things don’t change, let go, move on.
April 15, 2012
I cannot stand a lot of things. Littering, rudeness, disrespect, shitty music (haha), people who think they are “all that”. But the one thing I absolutely cannot stand is when people aren’t themselves. Where did everyone’s originality go? I used to have that fear of being accepted and I used to feel the need to change for others to fit in, but I could care less about that now. I’m my own person. I’m happy. I’m myself and nothing else. I don’t look to copy people or to pretend to be something I’m not. I’m past that phase and I hope you’ll get past it, too. Stop pretending and just be yourself.
April 16, 2012
Today was such a good day. I was just happy for no reason at all. I like it. Happiness is wonderful. My dreads make me very happy. I’m continuing to add them, and I hope my mom will let me do my whole head very soon because brushing around the dreads is a pain in the ass. I still think about you sometimes, which makes me a bit sad, but only for a moment. It bothers me when people ask me about you. I have no wish for things of the past to be part of my present and future. Good vibes only. You just happened to bring some bad ones. I just keep thinking about happiness and honestly, most of the time you aren’t in the picture. Happiness was going on the lake in my friend’s own boat and just driving around on the water. Happiness to me is anticipation for the summer, all the fun days my friends and I will spend together. Happiness is awaiting the day my friend takes me up in her plane to touch the clouds. Literally. Happiness is music. Happiness is tea. Happiness to me is happy things, not sad ones. I’m done with sad, I promised myself that. I owe that much to myself.
April 20, 2012
I miss summer. I miss waking up to the birds singing and my windows open. I miss just being like “Hey, I’m gonna go to the beach or pool today.” I miss everything to do with summer. I want to finish dreading my hair sooooo badly, but my mom is still thinking about it. She’ll probably say no just because I piss her off lately though. Sadnesss.
April 22, 2012
It’s okay to be angry, it’s not okay to be full of rage and hatred. This is a lesson I must learn.
April 23, 2012
I just wish that I could do the things I want to. Ride my bike everywhere, dread my whole head, surf, longboard, spend more time outside, canoe more… It’s just simple stuff that I can’t do here in PA, and I really wish I could. I want to start another garden in our backyard with my dad. I will, I’m making it a pact. More veggies, more fruits. More things that are good for the soul. Veggies = good vibes. Good vibes, man. Good vibes.
April 25, 2012
I’m trying new things. New ways of thinking, new ways of life, new mental states. I like it. New stuff keeps things interesting, that’s why I like people like you. You always have something up your sleeve that keeps me on my toes. It’s fun and interesting. You make me forget about all the others that I always have pity on for no reason. They don’t need my pity, they just need to get over themselves. My mind just doesn’t worry about other peoples’ bullshit when I’m with you. Thank god.
April 29, 2012
I don’t like people who pretend. Sorry.
April 30, 2012
You’re the most complicated person I’ve ever met. I’ve always been that way. I think that you’ve let me in, but then I’m shut out. I thought we were closer than this. but we’re just slowly drifting apart. I just can’t do this, sit back and watch you create your own hell. I love you too much. It’ll kill me when you get hurt, but hey, at least I warned you. Best wishes…
May 1, 2012
New month, new start. TIP ON HOW TO MAKE IT A GOOD MONTH:If something isn’t your problem, don’t make it your problem. Just stay the fuck out of it.
May 2, 2012
I’m just so done. This is the last day I’m ever gonna bring this shit up ever again cause I just hurt the people that I love. I’m done hurting them. You should be too.
May 4, 2012
it’s fucking GORGEOUS out! Dude, today is gonna be good. It started good, it’s gonna finish the same. Heading into Doylestown with my friend to eat some sammiches and play an Ateam show and then go walk around and enjoy this weather and not give a flying fuck. I wish everyday was First Friday man.
May 5, 2012
After I turn 16 and have a car and a job, peace. I’m outta here. I’m so sick of this bullshit my family pulls every fucking day, I’m so sick of everyone’s bullshit.
May 6, 2012
We don’t need words. That’s how it’s always been. There is no explanations, we just are. You melt all the pain away. One smile and I’m in heaven. It makes me happiest. The happiest I’ve ever been. Knowing you are mine and I am yours. I don’t care about things we’ve both done in the past. I don’t care if we’ve made mistakes, we both have had our fair share of those. I just care about us, that’s all I ever have and ever want to care about.
May 7, 2012
Just some quick random thoughts: My friend gave me her feather from her hair to wear today and it made me really happy. I wish I could fly sometimes, that way I could go any place I wanted. I appreciate it when you share your secrets with me. Just know I’ll never tell a soul. Lastly, a friend of mine’s recent extremely private page for personal thoughts has inspired me to make my own page. Only there will I share things from the deepest chasms of my mind. It is unknown if anyone will ever see the page, or if I will share the url with anyone, but it feels nice to finally release all of my thoughts.
May 9, 2012
I’m trying my best to let it be, I really am.
May 11, 2012
Today was such bullshit. I need tomorrow, desperately. I need to be with my friends. At least I have more than one thing to look forward to. Seeing my boyfriend, playing music, all those car rides singing Radiohead with Andy. Gotta love Andy. He’s so quirky and cute! Should be a damn good time.
May 13, 2012
Today made me realize a few important things. I love my family to death. Both sides just have some really nice people on them. This summer is going to be the best. I’m in some awesome shows with awesome people that I love, and of course the handful that I don’t… But still, I’m done with letting them ruin my fun, fuck them. I also have really awesome friends right now. They always give me opportunities to hang out and they actually like me. Buddhism is awesomeee! I’ve been researching it for a little while and I’m really into it! (So fuck all the people who think I just talk about it and know nothing about it! :D) I don’t know why I stopped taking yoga classes. I’ve been taking them since I was in 6th grade up until 8th. I guess I just got too busy with school of rock. That’s okay though, cause school of rock is awesome. And lastly, I’ve realized that I’m a reallly really really aggressive person when people piss me off.
May 15, 2012
It’s taken me this long to realize that I’m finally really happy with my life. I’m happy the my best friend and my boyfriend are friends. We do a lot more than I ever thought we would together. I’m finally happy that I have a best friend who cares about me and who does everything with me and is interested in the things I am. I’m happy that I’m through with everything stupid, with all this bullshit. I have better ways to spend my time, like looking forward to the absolutely most lovely weekend ever that I’m about to have. The Allman Brothers Live at Filmore show starts on Saturday. I love the music, I love the people in the show with me, every.single.one. After, I get to spend that whoooleee rest of the day and night with my boyfriend. I love him more than anything in the entire world. Always will. Then in Sunday, him and I are going to the mmrbq to see a great line up! Halestorm, SLASH with Miles Kennedy, SHINEDOWN <3 At some point, I’m finding time this weekend fir my best friend to go to this market thing and meet this awesome little lass who makes her own amazing tasty tea! It’s going to be so fun! (: I can’t wait to just see everyone and have a good time and be really happy! All the people I’m going to be spending time with spread such great vibes (:
May 16, 2012
It’s official. The Allman Brothers live at Filmore show is gonna kick every other show’s ass. Like majorly fuck it up. That’s how fucking amazing it’s gonna be. I actually feel bad for any one who isn’t in this show because it’s just fucking awesome music to jam out to on stage. First rehearsal is this Saturday… first rehearsal of the best show.ever. It’s gonna be the highlight of my summer.
May 17, 2012
Sometimes I don’t get life. Sometimes I don’t get people. But this is a bit out of hand. Chill out and think for a second, okay? Just chill out man. Seriously you’re just tearing everyone apart.
May 21, 2012
I had literally the best weekend of my life. I spent all of Saturday with people I love and went back to my boyfriend’s house all night. It was lovely, he’s lovely. I love him more than anything in the world (: I realized on Saturday that I have an addiction to Minecraft. It’s insane. And then on Sunday, I took my boyfriend to the MMR-BQ with me. It was sooo good! Halestorm was AMAZING. Slash was there!!! I almost passed out! One of my best friends, Brandon, was there too! We were making jokes about Slash ‘reviving’ me if I passed out haha I WISH. Interesting night though haha my uncle kept talking to my boyfriend about smoking weed and how it was the first concert my uncle wasn’t trashed/stoned out of his mind at. haha he’s a baller. So much weed there… I felt like I was at a Dave Matthews concert hahaha Which btw, I’m probably going to with Brad this summer!!! He still talks to me like he never left. So many good concerts are coming up that I’m going to go to! Mayhem fest (possibly if I can find that strength to get in there and mosh!), Trivium is playing at another event soon with Five Finger death punch and a ton of others, I’m going to save EVERY PENNY for backstage Foo Fighters passes, I’m going to go see Halestorm again (they were so amazing), I’m defiantly going to go see Shinedown (don’t even get me started on how much I love them), Dave Matthews Band if they do a Caravan festival, and Gathering of the Vibes! Hopefully maybe I’ll even have a few concerts of my own since my 2 piece blues band with Michael is getting started! (: We have one song (kinda) but it’s a great start! Everything is wonderful! :DD
May 22, 2012
I wish I was something exciting, something people wanted. Someone who does good. Wish I was an Indigo child. maybe I am, maybe I’m not. That’s up to me to decide I guess.
May 24, 2012
Another great weekend awaits! :D Tonight will probably, most likely be hell, but whatever because Friday will be wonderful!
June 1, 2012
Yay! Tonight was awesome! I got to reconnect with so many old friends! I love them all so much. They are such wonderful people and I’m glad they are part of my life. I met someone who’s probably the most awesome girl I’ve met in a while. She’s the drummer for my friend’s band and she’s amazing. I’m glad I got to meet her! I’m so excited for summer! Long nights with friends, long nights with my boyfriend, long days of writing some new material for my two piece blues band, just chilling all summer pretty much! All of the shows are starting up and they are gonna be sweet. Summer is going to be pretty rad (:
June 3, 2012
Honestly, I’m fucking loving the new you. Well, the old you that was temporarily hidden. You used to be so much fun and awesome and funny to be around and then that all kind of went away. But now you’re back! I noticed the difference in you about a month ago, but now I know for sure that you’re back to being really sweet and chill. Well anyways, welcome back, we missed you!
P.S. Dear Brad, get your license back soon so we can hang out! I miss you!
June 7, 2012
School is over and so is all the school related bullshit. I’m done worrying about everything. I’m just living my life and I just want to be happy. I don’t like it when people bum me out, not cool, man. I’m out of school for only a short time and I have no idea what to do with myself :P Brilliant.
June 10, 2012
Last night was honestly amazing and the most fun in a loooong time that I’ve had. I love spending time with all the guys. They are all so funny and always supply an abundance a laughs and good times. Can’t wait for the party!!! (: Someone better remember a lighter this time though hahaha
Jun 11, 2012
6 whole months (: It would’ve been almost a year if we hadn’t broken up. The funny thing is, we never actually broke up. Like we continued to be together just without a label. hmmm, oh well. I’m just glad that we can finally be together without a ton of bullshit complications. You’re the best person I’ve ever met. You’re amazing and you’re my best friend and I love you. Today was amazing (:
June 12, 2012
Three words: Cream of Clapton! :D So excited that this season kicked off! I’m in a great show with all of the people I love. Now I just need to learn my shit. I can’t stop watching Workaholics long enough to though haha I fucking love Blake :P New episode tonighttt! Woot! Today should be pretty rad, besides the shitty weather. Clapton and then off to my friend’s to chill all night. Benefit of summer: Staying out way late (:
June 14, 2012
Seriously people, just leave me the fuck alone.
June 16, 2012
Soooo dude, last night was pretty fucking crazy. So much fun! Getting in the car with your mom blazed out of your mind- not fun. Haha even less fun when you start wiggin out cause she’s talking to you.
June 20, 2012
ALLMAN BROTHERS LIVE AT FILMORE EAST SHOW!!!! :D Our non-recorded show is this Saturday at the bike and blues festival (: eeeeeep! So exciteddd! :D going to be a great week!!! Thursday- Y2K rehearsalll, hell yeah (: Friday- Parrrrtayy (: yay! I love hanging out with my friends, alittle too much probably haha, and then saturday- Allma bros show, allman bros rehearsal, and then pasrty at my boyfriend’s house (: yesyesyesyes (: IT’S HIS BIRTHDAY! (: my bday is coming up in less than 2 weeks and everyone keeps asking what I want and I have no ideaaa hahaha
June 22, 2012
I seriously cannot wait for the day I get my license and get the fuck away from you people. Ugh, my family drives me crazy. I’m in this hot, humid house ALL fucking day and I’m like limited on the time I’m allowed to have out of it. That’s bullshit. It’s not like you guys even have to drive me everywhere. I have rides, you’re both just to thickheaded to see that. I just want to go party my socks off. It’s summer, dude. And so far, it’s not very rad.
June 24, 2012
I had the best night ever last night. It was my boyfriend’s birthday and I got to hang out with him alllll day (: It was AMAZING. My pop got me an early birthday present of a new radio/vinyl player/ cd player/ mp3 player and it’s pretty nice actually. I’m gonna miss all of my old radios and record players though. Maybe I’ll keep them and start an old radio collection. But yeaaaah, I’m excited too because my birthday is in like 2 weeks so I can go an get my permit. The only sad thing is that by the time I gt my license, it’ll be winter and I won’t be able to drive around in my car with the sunroof opened and stufff. Well, hopefully it’ll be my car haha it’s a ’70s Ford Bronco :D It’s my baby (:
bam! :D She’s a cute beaut!
June 27, 2012
I’m sooo stoked to finally get to go to the beach this summer!! I miss the beach. It’s so great there and I haven’t been to any beaches in a while. I’m only going to a Jersey beach though, I miss North Carolina’s beaches. The waves were so rad and it was just always beautiful and at the same time not uber crowded. But hey, oh well. I’m so excited cause my mom said we could go to California soon. Cali waves here I come! Glad I get to finally bum it out on the beach. Dude this summer isn’t actually that bad! Haha should be pretty rad really soon cause of some super duper fun shtuff comin up! so.stoked. \m/
June 30, 2012
Allman Brothers show today! Scared shitless cause it’s not that great. Well, I don’t think it is. My birthday is coming up and my mom is taking me shopping (: I think I’m going to spend my money on a Semi-hollow body guitar. I love them! and then I’m spending the rest on my Vox ac30 amp :D Today is going to be a loooong day haha. We have dress rehearsal for Allman Brothers, then the actual show, then Alex’s party. I’m still jealous they saw Dave Matthews without me… I would’ve bee able to go if my dad wasn’t like “noo” at the last minute. They played a brand new song for the first time ever (The Riff) AND Halloween. the only things I have to look forward to now are the numerous Dr. Dog shows that I’m trying to go to. They are my favorite band. If you don’t listen to them, you should. And if your favorite song is like their most popular song, then obviously you’re lying when you say you listen to them…. sorry, just saying. OH AND I’M GETTING DR DOG MERCH FOR MY BIRTHDAY! Scott McMicken!!!! <333
July 1, 2012
Yay, what a shitty start to the month. Thanks.
July 4, 2012
My best friend and I realized something. Some people just are no fun. They have NO lives and they set their standards for goals sooo low it’s funny. You literally have to be a total shut in to NOT have done any of those… Like we do all that shit in one night and more. People are boring. And bitchy.
June 6, 2012
Closed minds and closed eyes. Fuck em.
July 11, 2012
7 months and many more to come with my amazing boyfriend! <33 Starting Herbalife tomorrow! yay! Nice body here I come! skinnyskinnyskinny (: The beach was AMAZING! I’m so excited for next summer too! Early, I know haha but we are going to a beachfront house in NC. I miss the north Carolina beaches. I miss our vacations there so much.
July 13, 2012
Happy Friday the 13th mother fuckerzzz!!!
I’m so proud of myself. I’ve finally written song good songs for my blues band! \m/ aww yeaaah. There is a strange urge inside of my to write reggae songs… I love reggae… maybe a little too much. I love graffiti too!! hahaha…. it’s so obvious you’ve been vandalizing when your index finger has spray paint on it…
July 16, 2012
I have literally had the most amazing weekend. Friday all of my friends attended this one hugeee party haha Many stories follwed… I spend Saturday down at the New Jersey state fair to perform and then went off to explore he fairgrounds with my friends. Carnival rides are sooo fucking scary haha Now all my friends want a trip to 6 flags, I’m totally fucked :P Sunday was just as lovely! My boyfriend and friends’ band, Tears of Requiem, were performing in a battle of the bands down in Allentown for the chance to play at Mayhem fest. I’m gonna be totally honest, the other bands SUCKED compared to them, like maybe 2 or 3 bands were good though. ToR’s set was sooo tight and they did really really well and had great stage presence. The final placings came out and Tears of Requiem placed 5th. Total bullshitttt. The band that should have won, Alustrium, placed 2nd to this band who were a bunch of old people with their faces painted and claimed to be a “necrophiliac band” (ew..) and they played music that totally wouldn’t fit in with the Mayhem scene… But whateeeeverrrr. And now on Wednesday Nick is having a big movie night!!! YAY! I’m SOOOO excited!! Totally jealous of my best friend though!! She’s out in Texas doing shrooms and acid, hanging out at skate parks, smoking pot with our friend’s brother, and just mega partying. Totally rad. Dr Dog concert Saturday, speaking of rad! haha This is the first time I can honestly say I am totally happy and comfortable with my friend group. I feel like I can actually trust everyone and I feel so included in everything. It’s the most amazing feeling in the world. My friends are the type of people that go out and they do crazy bucket list type of shit with me. I love them all so much. Especially my best friend and my boyfriend. The good times we have had are priceless and countless.
July 18, 2012
I miss my dreads. So, so much. I feel like they fit me so well and I just want them back.
July 23, 2012
Yay! Today was so fun! I had a great time with Brad today! We literally stopped at every 711 for me to get a slurpee haha it was sweet. He dragged me onto Temple’s campus and it was sooo sweet. Temple is alot cooler than I thought it was. Today was fun (: Clapton tomorrow and possibly seeing Matt before rehearsal! Yay!!! (:
August 1, 2012
Intense work outs lately! Yay! Very impressed with myself actually haha
